Day 1 – Introduction: The K-Hole Koan (final draft my ass, this is the raw one)

Buddhism on a Budget, Enlightenment by the Gram

“What echoes in a hole without walls?”

Life is a koan. Not to be solved. Only entered.

I wrote this book because I finally got bored enough, after enough consecutive sober days to string sentences together without the keyboard swimming.

Ketamine was my God for twenty years. North of a pound dissolved in my veins, maybe more. I worshipped it harder than sex, food, money, or breathing. My bedroom was my own clandestine IV clinic — 50ml Pyrex beaker, bacteriostatic water, milligram scale, and a syringe that knew my veins better than any lover.

I lived for the moment the plunger hit bottom and the room folded in half.

Then last year I did so much I finally killed the desire. Like making a kid smoke the whole pack. One morning I woke up and the bag was just powder. No hunger left. The muse walked out and slammed the door. My dopamine receptors non existent.

So now I have a new drug: writing.

Writing is scary when you do it honestly. Because you have to look at the 40-year-old felon in the mirror who has blown up every chance he was ever given and still somehow woke up alive.

I have no interest in selling you hope.
I have no interest in selling you despair either.

I’m just here to tell you what happened when a pound of horse tranquilizer and a few ancient Zen riddles collided in the brain of a man who should have been dead ten times over.

This book is not a recovery story.
This is not a spirituality story.

This is what happens when you go so far into the void that the void finally gets bored of you too.

The stories in this book are true.
Some of them still make my hands shake to type.

If you’re here for inspiration porn, leave now.
If you’re here because you’ve also looked into the hole and saw it looking back — stay.

We’ll keep each other company.

What echoes in a hole without walls?

You already know the answer.
You just don’t like it.